The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and lemme tellya, I’m scared shitless that the economy will be tanking, um, soon. Sometime soon. I’m also a bit concerned that we’ll be Bombing Beautiful Persia within two months. Or tomorrow. Who can say? I’m mildly worried that White Male Christian Dominionists will, in short order, be transforming our country’s military into their own personal paintball game, and in the process taking over everything else with ridiculous ease. Some people tell me that I’m overreacting, but I don’t think so, dude.

I am afraid because I am told to be afraid, on this day especially above all others, the Day Of Yet Again Pissing Ourselves In Fear, but lo, I have been given the cure, and it is sweet, glorious, groovy Capitalism. As we all know, Satan gave us Capitalism so we could all dream of being as wealthy and glamorous as him, and so here we all are, forking it over, extending our credit lines and buying, buying, buying ourselves into blissful oblivion, gleeful participants in the great game of gaining. Shopping! We’re Shopping!! Well, some of us are- but surely those who are unable to participate in this most glorious of distractions secretly yearn to join the fortunate few. Surely.

Don’t be scared, little American. Interest rates are…doing something, the stock market is gettin’ six kinds of jiggy with it, and Britney has a saggy butt! OMG!!! And, like, even Bin Laden’s gone all Just For Men on us, so really, what’s to worry about? Get thee to the Mall, my little bitches, and lemme see that plastic get scanned! There are some simply unbelievable sales going on, you know? This weekend only! Everything Must Go! Liquidation! Hurry, hurry or someone else will be Getting Your Shit, and we don’t want that, we never want that, do we?

I mean, really. What’s that? Hmmm? You can’t go to the mall because there’s no gas in the car? Are you fucking kidding me, babes? Old Navy has got some positively killer discounts going on, and you’re not there yet? Listen, I don’t think you’re understanding the Seriousness of what we’re up against. This is, like, War, you know? What better way to ward off Teh Fear than by wrapping oneself in the Finest of Fine Sweatshop Items? We can even, like skip Old Navy and go straight to the Gap if you’re pressed for time, man. No worries. This is how all those Tropical Brown People recover after things like typhoons, remember? Bill Clinton said so, man, and you trust him, don’t you? That’s right, buddy.

Hang on, hang on. I get it now. You’re too paralyzed with fright to even step outside your door? Got you covered there, too. See, six months ago, Ted Stevens invented the Internets, and blessedly provided server space for the great bastions of capitalism to thrive and multiply in this new thing called Cyberspace. So go ahead, indulge yourself. Buy some stuff on Amazon, or, if you’re into the whole rush of suspense we all love to vicariously live for, Get Thee To eBay, and cross your fingers and toes for that special auction that Only You Can Win. And hey, you don’t even have to leave the house to show off all the shit you bought to your friends, either- you can, like, “blog” about it, right there on MySpace! I know, it’s just goddam miraculous, isn’t it? Click them links, dude. Generate that ad revenue.

Now see, that wasn’t so bad, was it? I guess if you really need to, you can stay in touch with what’s going on in the world. I mean, the TV and radio still work, don’t they? How quaint! Yes, I know, it feels comforting and nostalgic to be bombarded with the sweet punch of Marketing. I get all goose-bumpy just thinking about the new Ephedra campaigns rolling out. They know you, they really know you, and trust me, bub, They Like You too.

And hell, so do I, because when you live in this world, you gotta know the score, and we can all still Keep Score with the best of ’em, as long as the benjamins is flowin’ and the credit line is long. Yep, even with Bill Gates and Bono and Brangelina and Posh&Becks and Fiddy and Bonds, especially when they’re finally all together in one place, dancing with the stars, all of this can be yours, cause I’ve Clued You In, babes. I’ve given you the Secret Of The Universe. Everything else is epilogue.

Just never forget. Never ever forget that if you fail to keep up with the rest of us, if you fail to do what God put you on this yellow-brown earth to do, if you fail to Acquire, then the terrorists have won.